So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
