life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I smell like Dick and happiness
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
