i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
