I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
