Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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