apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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