the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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