That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
one might say we're banned from that church
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
