ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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