Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
