We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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