I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize