I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
