At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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