I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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