This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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