I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
