My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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