fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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