Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
