we'll go far in life on tits alone.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
