Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
