I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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