just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
