Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
