Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
