I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
