wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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