Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
