Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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