fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
