at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
