is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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