yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
