I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
