and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
