i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
