tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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