homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Randomize
