drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
