Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
