a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
