Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
