just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
