Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
COCAINE IS GR8
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
