theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize