Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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