You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
