guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
