if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
