dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
