bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
