I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
