Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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