Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
