My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
