is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
