duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
