I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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